Regroup & Heal

Sunday, May 04, 2014

Jeff finally received his walking boots and some crutches. He stood up with them once, for about three seconds, and I was reminded of how tall he is.  It occurred to me that I had not only forgotten this quintessential fact about my husband, but that for so long I had been taking it for granted. In that brief moment,  I was a - giggle and blushing as though it were our first date. I had to engage my care giving brain once again when he need help lowering himself back to a seated position,  but in that brief span of a moment - a deep inhalation, if you will - something inside me reset.

I have been in a terrible funk lately. I have had lots of bad luck, and I have made some bad choices.  But in that brief moment, my attitude shifted and I found myself more open to possibilities again. Some days I still feel besieged by setbacks, and there are still a good many of those, but I needed something to happen to really shake off this dark cloud hovering around and inside of me. Seeing my husband standing on crutches that come up to my eyeballs (seriously, the man is a mountain), I could not help but smile and laugh and love him all the more.

The other thing that has been happening is that I have been pursuing my own healing. My routine and my practice are still a little touch and go, but nowadays my time is divided between reading, doing yoga with friends, sitting in silence while I do crafts or hold an internal dialogue about the best art installation for our office, spend time with my husband looking at houses and preparing ourselves for that next journey...suffice it to say, I have finally regained some movement of my own.

This injury has been debilitating for both of us in very different ways. Just on the surface it has affected my work, my memory, and my organization. There are so many moving parts, but the end result seems to be that I have not felt myself lately. Not to mention the trials that Jeff endures as he practices walking in the pool and on land. Neither of us has really felt like ourselves, so you may be able to imagine that like our identities, our home feels fractured. But in that symbolic parallel of his calcaneus bones,  that too is healing.

You know, something interesting in all of this is that my creative spark seems to have resurfaced.  I felt I had lost it, or buried it anyway, many years ago. But last night, as I was falling asleep, I kept thinking about a video that one of my former colleagues had posted on her Facebook.  I have attached the link below, since embedding is rather difficult on my tablet. For some reason, I have lately found myself entranced by birds, from watching pigeons downtown while I wait for the bus, to waiting for the grand sweep of starlings and crows over our home. I feeling that spark stirring inside me, and it feels as a grand as a murmuration, and as soft and gentle as a feather.

We are being transformed. We are reconnecting and we are healing. This journey has been a difficult one,  and obstacles lay yet ahead, but we are also changing. Change is neutral, so I will just let it be whatever it comes to be. May we be safe, may we be healthy, may we be happy, may we become whole.

Murmuration (Official Video) by Sophie Windsor Cl…: http://youtu.be/iRNqhi2ka9k

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