Chaos Eventually Recedes

Thursday, March 06, 2014

Sometimes, I wish that I was witty enough to come up with a quote that would be immortalized on pages and in the grand space of the Internet long after I'm gone. Sadly, I'm a little out of practice (with writing, that is), and well, I'm just not that witty.

I realized recently that I have not blogged in awhile, and for good reason. As I formulate this thought into words, I also realize I haven't written a few people, so I apologize for my priorities in advance! Anyway, back to excuses.

#1: I'm quite lazy. Well, let's be clear here - I'm anhedonic. The beast of depression has certainly taken hold of my life, and it is in large part due to chaos.

#2: Shortly after my last post, out apartment was flooded. It happened while I was at work, and my husband stubbornly convinced me to stay at work, that he was dealing with it. Let's just say that he minimized how extensive the damage truly was. While we were able to dry our apartment in good time, we spent several days sleeping in what felt like a hot, loud hurricane of swamp carpet.

#3: Then, not long afterward, my husband fell. He was transferring himself from his wheelchair to the couch while I was making dinner in the kitchen, and I turned just in time to see it happen. I froze momentarily, and then launched myself around the island in an attempt to stop it from happening, but nothing could be done and momentum took hold of him and the wheelchair. Luckily, he did not hit his head and he was alright, albeit a little dazed. He suffered no serious injury, except the one to his ego.

Over the past few days, while I study for my licensing exams, I have been applying some of the theoretical models to my life. For those of you who also work in mental health, feel free to call me out for therapizing myself, but I tell you it has worked. I've been able to isolate my symptoms, recall past solutions, and come up with a plan. I remember that in times of great stress, instead of reducing my workload, I have almost always increased it. It gives me more room to focus and redirect my attention and time. It actually increases my productivity.

So, in a moment of inspiration (and which I assure you I am giving all due consideration, no rash decisions here), I am considering going back to graduate school for my doctorate degree. There are a lot of variables to be considered before I can make a full decision, and a good many of them involve my husband's recovery and rehabilitation process.

In the present moment, life still appears to be chaotic, but looking back into the past, I realize now (not just rationally, but intuitively in a kind of hippy-dippy way), that chaos does eventually recede. We learn to manage that chaos that once existed so that instead of jarring, it it becomes empowering. That's my hope for the saga of the month that was February.

It just feels like time to move on. 


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